HS3 mapGeorge Poshborn has outlined plans to bring the north into the 21st century, with new high speed rail connections to be known as HS3, in a public announcement yesterday.

“Despite seeming to be individually strong, cities like Manchester, Leeds and Sheffield are actually a bunch of weaklings that would have sand kicked in their face by London,” he declared.

Although high speed rail could create whole new opportunities for trade and industry by saving several minutes between cities, it would have winners and losers. For example; the gradual re-educating of the north might encourage lifestyle changes, such as the eating of leafy salads with Chardonnays, at the expense of tripe and onions with pints of mild.

“They are so far behind London and The South that the majority don’t even vote Tory yet,” continued Poshborn, “but given a bit of encouragement we believe some could be converted”.

Might this not lead to disappointment in places such as Newcastle and Liverpool that do not feature in the rail plan? we asked. “They’re probably too northern and too socialist yet to be saved,” he replied, “so understandably, we won’t be spending valuable resources on them”.

Council leaders in the North East have warned government that the North extends far beyond Manchester and even offered to send maps of these inhospitable parts. These areas are still not widely explored, as the M1 motorway, built between 1959 and 1968, never extended beyond a northern outpost at Aberford, from where only the old Viking trail (the A1) meanders northward.

We asked a government spokesman whether there were any plans to discuss infrastructure improvements with these remote areas. “We have sent canvassers north of Manchester before,” she replied sadly, “none were ever heard of again!”

Further reading: Telegraph article