hs2 greenJust before the government commons vote on HS2 legislation, The Environmental Audit Select Committee is apparently poised to bowl them a ‘googly’!

Although we were unable to speak to any of the actual committee, a reliable source was able to fill in the gaps.

“I saw the leaked memo meself…” he declared, “… and it just ain’t green enough! It ain’t environmental neither”, he added, “…said so in black and white”.

The gist of the report appears to be that the electricity consumption and carbon footprint figures, that were made up earlier, had been mistakenly misread. Apparently due to a stain left on the document, resulting from the careless placing of an egg and cress sandwich.

In addition, critics have argued that environmental surveys assessing the impact on ancient woods and wildlife were not carried out on nearly half the land along the route, because “no posh people lived nearby”.

It is suggested that the train should slow down by 40MPH in order to save on energy and that the lost time could be made up by straightening the “Tatton Banana”. This refers to the section that “didn’t need to be straight” and which ‘detours’ nicely around George Poshborn’s constituency in Cheshire.

If unchanged, the carbon impact of HS2 is likely to be equivalent to that produced by 5.4 per cent of households in the UK. A figure very close to the number of homes expected to be bought up by the Chinese by the time the line is built.

Though ministers believe that this will be more than compensated by the reduction of fuel used in a similar number of homes, when the Russians finally turn the gas off.

Daily Mail article: Make HS2 trains go slower, say MPs

Tatton Banana (aka Tatton Dog Leg): Article at “Something Wicked This Way Comes”