“Ladies and Gentlemen we are here on this solemn occasion to discuss a rescue plan for HS2”, there was a palpable feeling of despair in the room.
The last time things were this bad was when Dave had gone a bit ‘gung ho’ over Syria and had to backpeddle furiously before he fell off.
“We have spent a small fortune of taxpayer’s money on PR for the project and what have we to show for it?” Nobody spoke, there was a nervous cough, did someone murmur “sod all”?
“We need ideas… well at least one… this was to be my finest hour… like the Falklands was for Maggie. ‘Build it and they will come’ you said, ‘the shires will howl for a few weeks and then forget about it’, you said!”
What was the point? They were a useless shower the lot of them, hadn’t they heard about Twitter? That’s what comes of having no experience of real life, at least Labour had that ‘ex-barrow boy’ to advise them.
“Who suggested making a business case?” The suddenness of the question made one or two sit up. “That was nearly as bad as the twat who suggested we should major on the twenty minute time saving… twenty minutes… what the hell was that about?” he slammed a hand down, “some of us spend longer than that in the khazi each morning!”
“While we are at it, what about the accountants? Isn’t it about time they trumped up some numbers saying the project will make money? It’s not as if they have to prove anything, they can just make it up can’t they, who would know?”
All eyes were on the table around which they were seated, here and there fingers were clenched as if in prayer. One fiddled with a pencil, though the paper beneath remained stolidly empty, the sun from the window dividing it into two halves.
“Get your thinking caps on and find a way of selling it to the masses, I know it’s a hard sell, but we’ve wasted too much money on it to U turn,” he waved them towards the door, “get out and send Cleggy in, he always makes me laugh”.
See also Government publishes latest made up HS2 figures – Daily Mash