HS2 PuppyBritain needs a dedicated infrastructure quango to tackle rail capacity issues, the country’s congested roads, the threat of power shortages, and the risk of droughts. So warns the governments latest expert Olympic chef James Armpit.

Mr Armpit warns that unless we build HS2, Britain will grind to a halt, there will be major water shortages, old people will have no heating in winter, businesses will have to work by candlelight and small, cute, fluffy puppies may die.

His report is scathing about political inn-fighting, which he blames for creating confusion in the minds of the public about the high speed rail project. These bar-room brawlers tend to leave the commons early to catch ‘happy hour’ in the member’s bar, instead of staying asleep in the back-benches until the bell rings.

Dave Luvvly of the Engineers Employers Definitive (EED) has also come out strongly in favour of HS2, “we need to remove politics from the equation and get engineering projects speeded up,” he declared. “It takes far too long to trouser taxpayer’s money, most engineers will have retired, before politicians bore the public into submission”.

Story prompted by Telegraph article