dogsHaving been out of a job for awhile, ‘Paving Bill’ has been given the responsibility of writing cheques for construction consultancies in this weeks Queen’s speech.

Former asphalt layer and driveway block-paver Bill, was said to be delighted at hearing the news that he’d secured the top-drawer post.

“Nobody wants to pay for driveways these days, they haven’t the money.” he said. “Fact is, the only people with any these days are the government, ‘cos they can just make it up on the spot if they get a bit skint. They just give a few IOU’s to the Bank of England and jobs a good ‘un”

We asked him if he had any experience in handling large sums of money, or dealing with large projects.

“Did get a twenty five to one on the dogs once”, he patted his trouser pocket, “made nearly a monkey on that one.” he winked, “tax free too, they couldn’t spend that on their ‘pals with calculators’ neither”, he lifted the corner of his cap and scratched his head, “big projects? Nah not that big… though I did tarmac a supermarket car park once”.

“Surely it is a big responsibility, you must be a little apprehensive taking on such a role”, we suggested. “I’m on a roll… more like,” beamed Bill. “You see, no-one really cares whether the consultants can add up neither, they priced up a job on Euston station and were a mile out, but still got their dosh… nobody cares see!”

“Best bit is that I’m a bit like the bloke from the lottery, making lots of people happy, some of ’em aren’t even proper toffs… it’s like I’m healing the Pleb-Toff divide!”