The government achieved a comprehensive victory over the English language last week, when it announced that the words “unlawful” and “unfair” should not suggest that they had in any way lost at the High Court.
Transport spokesman Lois Price insisted that this was a “green light” for government to plough on with the project and that this should not be confused with the “red/amber” risk warning last May, that it could all go “horribly wrong”.
When pressed about the fact that the High Speed Line would have been better to have joined up with something else, such as Heathrow, Crossrail or High Speed One, we were told that “the government’s drive to prevent adult obesity would have suffered, if it were made too easy for passengers to get between services”.
Then there is the sticky problem of money, “where was it all going to come from”, we asked.
“That’s the easiest bit of all”, gushed Lois, “you see the taxpayer never really asks to see any receipts… it’s all about memory see… they don’t have one… if it goes on longer than a week it’s more than they can cope with… poor lambs… and this is going to take decades!”
“In any case”, she continued, “with that fiscal money-printing thingy, we will have changed the name of the currency several times by the time HS2 is finished. People won’t remember that a pound was equal to half a Euro and that a Euro was only a quarter of a Snerk”.